Death and the Thoughts That Follow

Today I had an experience that made me think for a while about what it is about my Peace Corps life that is so different from the rest of my life. There are plenty of obvious reasons, but today a few less obvious ones occurred to me. Maybe for those of you who have studied abroad or spent time living in other countries this will be a normal thought process, but for me it was new.

I have one close Guatemalan friend who I have known since the first week I was in site. He is married and I have spent a decent amount of time with him and his wife. His wife is the sister of my old host mom, so I have ties with them. Today their younger brother died of cancer, I believe he was around 26. I only found out about it because I called a friend of my friend about something else and he told me that he couldn't come because he was going to the wake. This is a part of the oddity that I felt/feel sometimes here. I am here alone. Sure I have volunteer friends in town, and some Guatemalan friends, but in Guatemalan terms (family, established community, life-long friends, etc) I am alone. If I was part of a family here I'm pretty sure that someone would have told me what had happened without me having to call someone. The news would have spread to me naturally instead of by happenstance. This is not a big deal, but it is a part of life here.

Another part of the situation that I thought about was my role in their lives. I am here for two years, and then I will be leaving. My life in the states is on pause and I have to alter slightly who I am to fit into certain cultural norms here. By default I am in unbalanced relationships with Guatemalans. I have a best friend here, but I am not (and should not be) his best friend. I have people who I have called my host family, but they wouldn't refer to me as part of the family. This is not universally true, but generally speaking I have left my life and entered into the lives of people who are still in their normal day-to-day and that makes for unbalanced relationships. I needed to build relationships rapidly to feel a little more at home, but they were already at home. This is not such a terrible thing, but it is interesting to put into perspective from time to time. Also the other side of this is that since I know that I'm leaving at the end of two years, making really close friendships seems a little strange. It's just so different.

I spent 4 hours at the wake, sitting sometimes with people that I don't really know, and sometimes with people that I sort of know, but mostly contemplating. Something about the situation made me really really miss my family, and that was an unexpected addition to the day.